My Secret Identity

I may not be writing a weekly column for the Mapleton PRESS anymore, but I have tried to clean-up and organize six years of columns and made them easier to find on my main blog. Why not peruse through the humor, history and humus. It's full of "Sex, Politics, and Religion- not necessarily in that order." Or at least, liberal politics, the my misadventures parenting three little girls, and the joys of living in small town Iowa and good old fashioned Midwestern, down to earth common sense Lutheranism.

At least take a look at a couple of columns and give it a chance.

BEST OF TED

• Arizona Statehood Day (Feb 14)
• Book Reports
• Christmas interviews with Santa
• Economic Crisis
• Embarassed by Steve King
• Fourth of July
• History Buffs, read this
• I ♥ Iowa
• Kids say the darnedest things
• Meaningful Quotations
• Support our Vets
• Talking about Religion
• Ted's Kitchen
• Thanksgiving Treats
• The snow blower lesson
• The time I locked my keys in the car
• The war in Iraq
• Yes, I coach Cheerleading

Thanks, I needed that

It's not always easy to remain positive, the way cheerleaders are supposed to, but that's why we have cheerleaders- to help us (& each other) to think positive.

Last night I stayed at school to work on finishing the yearbook and to save money on gas, since we had the Spring awards banquet. I was feeling sorry for myself 1) that the yearbook staff had left so much for me to do and 2) that I wouldn't get to see my own kids that night. I thought I'd wait till just before the banquet to go because I'm not very comfortable in social situations, so it's awkward to try to make small-talk any longer than I have to.

Naturally my truck wouldn't start. I looked under the hood aimlessly, as if by looking at something I know nothing about would miraculously solve the problem. We used to have an old car that you sometimes needed to tap on the distributor cap to get it to start. That worked magically every single time you did it. My truck didn't seem to have a distributor cap.

I followed the cables from the battery to the spark plugs. I knew it wasn't the battery because it turned over fine, it just didn't start. I fiddled with the spark plugs, as if maybe that would help just like tapping on the distributor of that old Buick used to. Nothing. The guys at the garage had assured me that the plugs were fine.

There had been two or three mornings when it wouldn't start so I asked them to look when I had had it in for an oil change. They said that the plugs were too new, they had given it a tune up just last year. They said that it started up every time for them, but from my explanation it sounded like a fuel filter or fuel injector.

Trying to get it to start once more so I could make it to the awards banquet, I hoped it was just the fuel filter, not the fuel pump or the injector. I had bought a bottle of fuel injector cleaner the last time I got gas, I put it in the tank and followed it up with some unleaded that I had in the gas can that I keep in the back for the lawn mower. Nothing. The next day my farmer-in-law reminded me that if it were a fuel filter it would start to cut out whenever I'd try to accelerate. Never had, just didn't want to start.

I tried again. Nothing. I looked under the hood again, still not knowing what to look for. I wanted to find the choke. That always works, I told myself. Of course I had no idea where the choke was- somewhere below the steering column down by this side of where the throttle is inside I reasoned. No, nope. Hmmm, is it on top of the engine block somewhere? Oh, who was I kidding? Even if I knew where it was, there's always two guys whenever guys pull that trick. One inside to gun the gas and another under the hood to pull on the choke.

Dang, why didn't I take Engines or Auto Shop in high school? Noooo, I had to take stupid Drafting. Like I ever use that? When was the last time I ever drew a 3-D schematic for some machine-tooled part? Dumb guidance counselor.

Finally I called my wife to ask for a ride after the banquet. The next day, if he'd gotten his crop in, I'm sure my beloved farmer-in-law and/or his mechanic neighbor could come look at it and at least help me get it to the guys at the garage. I started walking to the banquet.

I was relieved that I hadn't missed the meal. I was the very last person in line behind all the parents. I took the very last seat at the coachs and teacher's table. I don't know if I'm losing my hearing or if it was just the din of the crowd, but I had a tough time hearing any of the conversations at the table, which made polite small talk even harder.

Plenty of chummy humor between the Athletic Director who Emceed and the other ball-sport coached, who were sitting on the opposite end of our two or three tables. I never really fit in with all the jocks when I was in school either. At least the sports editors on the school paper were pretty nice to me. Maybe that's why I work so hard to actually coach and not just be one of those lazy sponsors who never even attends any games with their cheer squads. Maybe I'm overcompensating or trying to prove something to somebody. Whatever.

Yadda yadda yadda, scholarships, music, band, science, blah blah blah, etc. etc. Not that that's bad, all the presenters were great, all the kids deserve recognition, it's just that no one ever enjoys these things do they? I don't even like the Oscars that much. At least at the Country music awards you get to hear bands play. Dang it, Coach, why do you make me second to last? I just want to get it over with. I'll never be able to say anything as clever and insider as you football, basketball, baseball and golf guys... okay here we go.

Geez, how come I have no trouble at all talking in front of people all day long, but this freaks me out? Maybe because that's 10-20 kids at a time in a classroom and this is more than half the kids in school, plus most of my colleagues and administrators, plus all those kids parents all at once.

So I get it done. I feel bad because I fell like I made it sound like I didn't appreciate or don't like the football cheerleaders, but at the same time I don't feel like I did a good enough job of letting the basketball cheerleaders know how much I appreciated them or what an outstanding job they did. But, I didn't stutter or get any name wrong and I was brief- which is what most people want anyway. And when I got back to my table the History and Science teachers said they liked my joke, although they were the only two who got it.

Needless to say, it had been a rough night. I walked back to school Bethany wasn't there to pick me up yet, but there were post-it notes all over my windshield. I don't know if it was all three or just two of the eighth-graders who will be freshman cheerleaders next year- but they'd been to Adventureland with the junior high music kids. And they did what cheerleaders are supposed to do, even on the last day of school. They gave me a lift and reminded me to be positive.

Loud and proud

Loud and proud
By Coach Ted Mallory Charter Oak-Ute NEWSpaper Thurs. March 10, 2005

March 7-13, 2005 is National Cheerleading Week. According to USA Today. There are about 3 million cheerleaders in the US today. Varsity Spirit, largest of about 50 cheerleading companies, made almost $150 million last year. American Cheerleader magazine debuted in 1994 and now has a circulation over 200,000.

Tommy Lee Jones recently stared in “Man of the House,” a movie where he plays a Texas Ranger charged with protecting members of the University of Texas cheer squad who had witnessed a murder. Its cheesy, contrived and predictable, but still cute. Of course, I may appreciate it more than most. I’ve been coaching Cheer since 1993. I know what its like to be trapped in a van with six giggling teenage girls for hours at a time.

The first organized cheers were chanted at Princeton football games in the 1880’s. The first official Yell squad was at the University of Minnesota in the 1990’s. In the roaring 20’s squads started adding pyramids and tumbling. Cheerleading was a predominantly male sport until all the men went off to war in the 1940’s.

Cheerleading is purely American. Think about it. Baseball evolved from Cricket, Football evolved from Rugby. Only Basketball and Cheerleading are purely American originals.

In High School, cheerleading is about school spirit. College cheerleading is all about stunts and athletics. Unfortunately, the cheerleaders for professional football and basketball seem to be more about glamor and swimsuit calendars. Kind of like how respectable high school and college wrestling are as sports, but Pro-Wrestling is pretty much a corny, violent soap opera.
Club squads, which are not affiliated with schools have become very popular recently.

Performing and competing against other cheer squads has become more important to these “all-star” squads as a sport in their own right then raising the spirit at football or basketball games.

The National Federation of State High School Spirit Associations’ official rules book states the first duty of Cheerleading is to “boost school spirit, promote good sportsmanship, and develop good positive crowd involvement Cheerleaders are in a position of great influence, therefore” …"high standards of conduct are essential. Cheerleaders can become the schools most effective student leaders.”

As a coach, I tend to agree with this philosophy. I take it even further. Cheerleading can be a tremendous opportunity to develop important qualities in yourself, your squad-mates and your classmates that will help you throughout your life and in every aspect of your life. The most obvious one might be fitness and fitness habits. I personally think that the most important ones are service, confidence, and positivity.

Service is vital to Cheer and to leadership. You would be amazed as a football or basketball player at the difference that a good cheer squad and crowd noise can make. We are there for them. Cheerleaders shouldn’t be self-focused, we should be focused on others. The ball-team athletes will tell you, there’s something powerful about playing with a lot of noise.

Cheerleaders can make a lot of noise, but their job is to get the crowd to make noise, to lead them in cheers. When the stands are packed and chanting in unison, its electric. It really can help the players, it literally can help determine the outcome of the game. If you’ve been to any of the Lady Bobcat basketball tournaments, you know its true.

Cheerleaders would also be amazed at how much young children watch them, imitate them, and want to be like them. Service could be small thing like picking up trash in the stands after a game, being quiet in the team bus, letting players get on and off the bus before you, or big things, like donating lots of time or money to some charity, church or community activities.

Either way, you can have a lot more influence by helping others than by ordering people around. If you take the focus off yourself and focus on helping others. You’ll be surprised and how good you feel, and how important you become. Perhaps, most importantly, you’ll have a lot less conflict with others if you’re not always trying to get your own way.

Standing in front of hundreds of people, jumping, shouting, and chanting aren’t things that come easy. Leading a pep-rally, speaking your opinion, standing up for what’s right, making new friends, engaging a stranger in conversation, holding up under peer-pressure, saying no, knowing that you have strengths and abilities to handle any situation- these are all things that you can develop by being a cheerleader. Trust in others and trust in yourself. What could Cheering offer that is more valuable than confidence?

Positivity is the next thing that Cheer offers. Think about that old saying “If you’re not part of the solution, then you’re part of the problem.” People who look for the good in any situation and any individual can usually find it. Once found, it can be used to make things better for everybody. Too often, too many of us tend to be critical of one another and ourselves. That kind of negativity is unproductive.

Optimism is more effective, progressive and productive. Certainly life isn’t always easy, cheerleaders don’t have to be in denial about real life, but if you’re going to encourage others, you can’t focus on what’s discouraging. Like the old saying says; “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!” Knowing that no matter how bad it gets, you can still get through it, move on, and learn, even gain from the pain- how awesome is that?

Some people think that they could never be cheerleaders, they’re not “perky” enough. Don’t think of it as being saccharine or Pollyanna, think of it as being positive. That’s part of the American character, that’s looking forward instead of feeling sorry for your self or criticizing and blaming the people around you. That’s leadership.